Tata Nitu

Today I remember my grandfather. Not that I don't think about him often, but today it's his name's day. We celebrate St. Nickolas day today and today used to be his day. My grandfather was strong and kind, loving and straight forward. He was handsome and perfect in my eyes. I lived with my grandparents till I was about five. I wish i could remember every day from that time. I have images, I have stories, I have smells, but I wish for more. I wish for those years to have not have ended. I wish for my grandfather to have known my daughter. She carries his name. And I know he watches over her. And me. Mi-e dor de tine, tata Nitu.

Strange feelings

I wish I could write everyday. I wish I could connect enough with myself and with the world and that connection would be coherent enough for me to be able to express it in words. Words have always fascinated me. It may be because if I was skilled enough I could hide behind them and nobody would know who I really was. Or it may be a real desire for creativity, a way to attempt connection. Any kind.

I had an energy medicine session last week and it left me rather raw and vulnerable. I am sort of enjoying this new feeling of being exposed to the world. I am a little scared of it, but it also feels like home in a strange way. I feel like a volcano. Is it still active? Is there lava under there, waiting to errupt? How does it feel to be the people in the village at the bottom of the volcano. You never know...

I am vulnerable to the world. I am starting to see who I am. I am battling with loads of generational baggage. I am in love with the lava.

What energizes me?

When life throws me in a whirlpool, when things don't go my way or any way... When I feel lost and need comfort, when I need some extra energy...

I go outside and let the sunhine warm me inside and out
I marvel at the beauty of nature
I play with my girl
I blow bubbles
I read a good book
I paint
I drink ice cold water
I stop and observe the moment
I cry
I lament to a good friend
I get and give a hug
I love.

What to you do?

My Mondo Beyondo List

- Be a writer
- Win the Nobel Prize for Literature
- Heal people
- Meet Bruce Springsteen
- Own a restaurant
- Own a bookshop for children with a huge arts and crafts area
- Live for awhile on each continent - two down :-)
- Help people in third world countries
- Find true love and throw myself in it full force

Some of these I have been dreaming since I was a kid. I am still dreaming...

The poem that seems to define the NOW

The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--determined to save
the only life you could save.

Mary Oliver

I'm back

It has been awhile... Why such a long break, one may ask? I have started a journey, a journey for the soul. I am reclaiming myself, making myself known by ME. So far, my writing has been about a lot of repressed feelings, hiding behind metaphors. I hope for a more direct, sustained experience now. Here's to a new start...