Counting

How many times have I heard: “you have to be first, coming in second doesn’t count”? I lost count. The first memory of my childhood is that of me as a child, in a crib, calling for someone to come. I could hear the voices outside my room, I was calling, but nobody came. I don’t know how old I was. I don’t remember anything else. It was just the fear of being alone. Was it the first time I felt alone, or the first time I felt fear? I don’t really know. It feels like the first time to me, so I guess, it was.

I would like second for awhile… What was my second memory as a child? I don’t know. The memories run together after the first one. I am infatuated with the notion of peace, with being able to let go of thoughts and feel compelled to just feel. I’m not counting anymore.